18.11.2016 7.59 pm
I couldn’t believe now is November. Time flies fast. So, I want to write something for myself in detail. The things I wrote many times before but I never finished. I couldn’t. But this time, I try to give me half a chance
I am an only child. It’s not means my parents pamper their sweatheart too much like everybody thinks.
As for me, I always was sad during my whole puberty. My father is a mechanic. Besides, he trades not only used motorbike but also accessories. Although not through a professional training school, but he was a skilled mechanic. My mother is a homemaker. We lives with grandmother, 2 aunts, uncle and cousin under one roof. A typical extended family in Viet Nam. Right??? I really hate it. Family conflicts, a ton of issues, argue due to a selfish benefit, etc. Terrible memories are embedded for ever in my recollection throught my childhood and even today. No idea about the meaning of “family” or connecting with member. I was really depressed and sad and pain. I felt lonely all the time. When I was surrounded by people, in a room full of laugh, in a crowd… All of a sudden I was hit with a massive wave of sadness. I counld’t share, just kept harming myself.
When I was 10, my paternal grandmother died, I did not cry at all. Not a single tear.
After the death of my grandmother, my parents decided to rebuild. My mother lost a lot of time trying to register house documents, construction permits, contractors … And my parents paid a total of expenses. But my relatives picked a quarrel with my parents due to follow neighbors that my parents wanted to sell the house. It’s a bull shit I’ve ever listened.
When I was 17, I decided stop talking with my cousin despite the fact that we were close sisters, best friends, soulmate before. Once, she said “My parents are rich, when I grow up and married, please resign this house to her”. Ain’t cried a single tear but the pieces of my heart is broken.
When I was 18, I cut on my arm. Somebody can disapprove of this action, of course.
I love my mother. But father, I couldn’t love him. I respect my father. He is introvert, quiet and strict sometimes. I don’t know this is considered the pros and cons? Is it unconditional love? He pampers brothers and sisters too much no matter what they do or treat to him. I don’t understand. Maybe I was an only child. Maybe I never (actually I tried but could not) consider relatives as real family.
We never talk about this (or impossible). I disagree. Between us there is an unfilled enormous blank. If he had behaved in a different way, it’s obvious I haven’t seen many tears of my mother.
Now, my parents had moved out for 4 years. A small house, away from the center, inconvenient for many things, but it made me more comfortable. I am no longer bother about fights or any arguments.
But I have always asked myself a thousand times the meaning of family. What is affection? Forever I counln’t understand, I don’t know how care somebody or receive love even.
I believe in love. But I don’t believe in marriage. I never thought of marrying someone.
I don’t want to blame anyone. Nobody. I write these things not to change sympathy, understanding or advice of anyone. Just for me, myself, for enormous blank in my heart, my soul. I’m just a selfish child never mature, lack of motivation, love yourself above anything or anybody else, never know how to care for others. Never learn how to express affection. I build up walls to protect myself and just silently to my world day by day…